Mental Games

As I'm about to embark on the longest run of my life I've been thinking a lot about... well thinking!  I'm a little nervous about the last half of the marathon.  The first half I'll have Jenn to talk to and to pick me up in the beginning when I always need the most encouragement and just hang out with.  I've also ran a half by myself with no one to talk to and I found people along the way and loved it.  However, I've never ran a half after running a half with no one to talk to or push me.  This reminded me of Shelly during the Ragnar Florida Keys.  She got back in the van after a super hot run and said her mind just wasn't cooperating so she starting reciting the ABC's just so she had something to think about other than running in the heat!  All runners play these mental games!  When you start running you quickly realize it isn't just the body that has to be trained it's the mind.  I'm a list runner.  I do running stats over and over in my head.  If  I continue at this pace, I'll finish here, If I have to add a few seconds I'll finish here, I have to do this pace to hit this goal etc.  When on the treadmill I count foot strikes in quarter miles or eighths!  I don't always listen to music and even when I do most of the time it isn't enough to keep my focus off the task at hand. I've planned elaborate parties that I will never throw.  Arranged and rearranged every room in my house.  Thought about pretty much every friend I've ever had.  At some point in every great run though I think about why I'm here.  I vow to write thank you notes to every person whose ever said hi to me when I needed it.  I become thankful for every decision I've ever made.  I get sentimental and I vow to be a better mom, spouse, daughter, sister, friend.  I think of those people I've lost and I wish I would have said I love you more and hugged them tighter.  I think of the boys laughing and of Alfred's hugs and of every little thing everybody did to get me to that moment.  I think about what it will feel like when I'm finished.  What my facebook status will be, what I'll talk about, what I'll remember.  I tell myself to remember certain moments but most of the time I forget those.  I add them to an every growing list of experiences.  I vow to blog about every feeling along the way and most of the time I don't.  For those miles while I'm out there by myself it's all about me.  I spend that time building dreams, reliving wonderful moments, coming to terms with no so great ones.  I relive, I plan, I look forward.  So when I cross the finish line on Sunday (Assuming I do and nothing goes wrong) if I burst into tears ( which is possible since I've cried after both of my half's) it's because for 26.2 miles I was amazing!!  This is the heart of why I run!